The Transition to Being a Parent
One of my passions is sleep. I love to get it, but I love helping young families to get it even more! I have been providing this service for over 25 years and get great satisfaction out of helping families get regular sleep back in their lives. In the last 6 months, I have seen a trend in my work that I want to share with you. I hope that in doing so, I will prevent you from having to deal with a similar experience.
The situation I have been encountering is a mom who is still nursing her 1-year-old as if that child is a newborn. Often, she is nursing 10-15 times daily. Most notably, she nurses hourly during the night, with no one getting sleep. Mom is exhausted and anxious. Her partner is frustrated. The baby cries inconsolably and will only stop when nursed. Mom reports she needs to nurse as that is the only thing that will get the baby to go back to sleep and/or stop crying.
To understand how this happens, I want to explain something about child development and parenting. The first important point is that most people gradually make the transition from being a caregiver to being a parent, sometime between 2-4 months postpartum. Caregivers meet every need immediately, which they should with a newborn. They respond to crying, assess the situation, and make it better by changing a diaper, feeding or providing extra cuddling.
Parents do all that and more. When they know their baby’s needs have been met, they give their baby a little time to try and settle themselves. They reassure them when they cry because Mom is out of view, that she is there, she is just going to the bathroom and will be right back. Parents don’t sit on the toilet holding a baby, because they can’t put her down or she will cry. They put their baby in her crib when they know she is tired after she is fed, warm and dry. They give her the opportunity to go to sleep unassisted but help her if she needs it. They don’t immediately swoop in, fuss and try to make it better. They know this has the opposite effect of stimulating a baby when you are trying to get her to go to sleep. And the more you do it, the more she demands you do it.
Parents know that if they are doing their job correctly, their kids are generally not happy with them. No kid ever says, thanks for making me eat my vegetables, brush my teeth, clean my room and do my homework. It just doesn’t happen. As a result, parenting is all about getting comfortable with your kids being unhappy, while using those moments as an opportunity to teach your kids and help them develop self confidence in their own abilities.
This is often very hard for women and especially for women with babies. Babies are adorable yet simultaneously pathetic and helpless. It’s pretty awesome to be needed by someone so utterly dependent. It can also be overwhelming. If you continue the necessary hyperresponsiveness of the newborn phase, well into the first year, you will be exhausted and often anxious and depressed. I hope to prevent this in the families that I work with.
You might assume that I am advocating for a cry it out approach to infant care. I want to be clear that I am not. While I strongly believe in the research of Dr. Marc Weissbluth, who is often referred to as the Cry-It-Out doctor, I don’t want anyone to have to do that and I don’t believe he does either. While I certainly can’t speak for him, I believe that if you follow his recommendations at a young age, (prior to 4 months) there will be no need to cry it out. Even in a situation like the one I have described, I have been able to help women get their babies to sleep in their own crib in their own room, soundly through the night without waking, with minimal crying.
How does this happen? It starts with a lengthy conversation with Mom. I listen to what is going on and how she feels. I reassure her that nothing she has done is going to screw her baby up for the rest of her life. I admit that there is nothing she has done that I haven’t. I share that as a woman with 4 sons ranging in age from 21-32, I still am uncomfortable with them not being happy, but it gets easier.
I then explain infant development, and how Mom’s behavior is facilitating the exact behavior she is telling me she wants to end. We start making small changes in their day and night, and these result in an immediate improvement that is often liberating for Mom. She starts to feel like she is getting her life back and she has much needed time alone in her day. She is getting things done and it gives her courage to do a little more “parenting.” Usually, within a week, Mom is like a different person, and so is the baby. Mom will remark that the baby has never been this happy, and she didn’t realize what was possible.
I want to stress that this is possible for every family. Things should be getting easier and easier each month. I discuss all of this at length in our monthly sleep class. I work with families individually in our family sleep consults. If I can help you in any way, please reach out to our office.
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