"The Gift of An Ordinary Day" - A Mother's Memoir by Katrina Kenison

Last month, I commented to my youngest sister that I would give anything to go back to the days of teaching a preschool boy to drown Cheerios in the toilet. She was lamenting a stubborn three year old completely uninterested in potty training. I was dealing with an obstinate, ungrateful 18 year old man/child. Two days later she brought over a book that she declared a must read for me, given where I am in my life right now. After sailing through it, I want to suggest that it is a must read for all mothers. Whether we are at home raising tiny little people, or getting ready to launch young adults off to college, the message is relevant.

The Gift of an Ordinary Day: A Mother's Memoir

$11.89

By Katrina Kenison

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“The Gift of an Ordinary Day” ~ A Mother’s Memoir by Katrina Kenison, starts with a family’s move from suburban Boston to rural New Hampshire. The author’s mid life crisis was the impetus for the move. Her desire to live in a slower-paced environment and have her family more grounded, starts the family on a house building adventure that doesn’t end until the oldest is off to college. Her family consists of her husband and two sons, one of whom is getting ready to start high school, the other just on the cusp of puberty. During this transition, she reflects on all the moments long passed that caused her so much anxiety, as she worried about whether her boys would turn out alright. She notices her parents’ calm demeanor and relaxed attitude toward her sons and their increasingly independent behavior. She remembers all the moments with her boys when they were little that were priceless and mostly unappreciated at the time. Mostly, she tries to live in the present,
and be truly aware of those ordinary moments with her family, cognizant of the fact that in 4 short years, these moments will be increasingly few and far between.

For me, the struggle that she writes of – the fine mingling of letting go and holding on – hits very close to home. I cannot make it through a single chapter without shedding a tear, all while trying to hide it from my husband. Each chapter offers up multiple quotes that resonate so strongly with my life, I feel like I could have written this book, although not nearly as eloquently. The description of the entire college application process, the pressure this age group is under and the reality that no kid can just be ordinary anymore, is something I am living daily. The uncertainty of how this will all end, and the desire to slow down the whole process, so I can have this delightful boy with me just a little longer, is ever present.

I also found it reassuring that another mother, and famous author at that, feels the way I do about so many things. The anxiety she experiences is something that I struggled with since I became a mother, but it did dissipate with time. My confidence in my ability to parent these boys to adulthood and in their ability to make good choices grew tremendously. Now, I am overwhelmed at times by all the struggles people in my age group are dealing with: divorce, illness, financial crisis, wayward teenagers and aging parents. My best friend’s mother always says “Little people, little problems; big people, big problems.” And she is so right! But this is the stage of life that I am in, and it will pass. And in so many ways, it is easier. I have time to myself. I get a good night’s sleep. I can go for a run when I want to. I can talk and reason with my kids. My husband and I can sneak out for a drink if we want to! I am lucky to have a job that I am as passionate about as I was about staying home and raising my boys. Really, even when it’s hard, it’s good. And this book reminded me of that on every
page!

So for the next six months, I am going to cherish every moment with my oldest, even the difficult ones. I am going to revel in the times the six of us are all together, no matter what we are doing. I will create opportunities for them to have good memories of this phase in their life. And I am going to try hard to let go with grace, and trust that they will all wind up where they are supposed to be, with faith that I have done the best I can with the most rewarding, but hardest job in the world.

The Benefits of Breastfeeding

A few years ago I had the pleasure of attending a conference about the “Use of Human Milk and Breastfeeding Education for the Registered Nurse.” The speaker was Diane Spatz, RN PhD, an associate professor at the University of Pennsylvania and a clinical nurse specialist at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. It was a fascinating day, and as usual, I learned a lot. Her most interesting lecture was her first one about the benefits of human milk. I thought I would pass this information along to all of you, as a reminder of the wonderful gift you are giving your baby!

Most women cite infection prevention as their number one reason for breastfeeding. Babies who are breastfeed have decreased incidence and severity of RSV, gastroenteritis, diarrhea, respiratory, ear and urinary tract infections. For premature babies, the benefits are life saving with a decrease in the incidence and severity of meningitis, blood infection, sepsis and necrotizing enterocolitis. ($200,000 is spent of each case of NEC alone!) These babies also have a decreased incidence of retinopathy of prematurity, SIDS, diabetes, and obesity. Their hospital stay is shorter and less expensive than formula fed preemies. Breastfeeding for these compromised babies is truly medicinal.

But do you know why that is? It is due to something called the “Enteromammary Pathway.” This is a maternal response in which anything the mom comes in contact with (microorganisms, food antigens etc.) travels thru her gut and lymphatic system causing antibodies to be produced that are then passed along thru her breast milk to protect her baby. It is for this reason that mothers of preemies are encouraged to touch everything their baby comes into contact with in the NICU.  Their exposure to everything their baby is exposed to protects their baby from hospital borne illnesses.

In addition to the infection protection, breast milk has a biological specificity that is exactly what the human newborn needs. The fat content of breast milk accounts for half the calories and it adjusts throughout the feeding and the day. Amazingly, the fat content is 30% higher in mother’s who deliver preterm infants, because those babies need it! The DHA and ARA in breast milk (which have now been artificially added to formulas) enhance the babies’ visual acuity and brain maturation.  Some fats are also anti-viral, anti-fungal and anti-bacterial. The lactose in breast milk enhances calcium absorption and is easily broken down to provide a constant nutrient flow to the brain.  Other carbohydrates promote the growth of healthy bacteria in the gut and decrease pathogens by increasing the acidity. Protein in breast milk is low in quantity but high in quality and is primarily the easy to digest whey protein. It is also immunologic with proteins that breakdown infectious agents.  Lastly, breast milk is full of antibodies, infection fighting white blood cells, hormones, vitamins and minerals that are essential for the general hydration and nutrition of your baby.

But you already knew all that didn’t you?  Keep up the good work!

Introducing the Bottle

Mothers frequently ask me “When is the best time to give a bottle and how do we do it?” For many women, it is source of anxiety, but a necessity at some point or another. Fortunately, it is fairly easy if you do it in a controlled and timely fashion, rather than at three in the morning when you are desperate!

Obviously, my goal is to help mothers breastfeed successfully, whatever that means for them. If mothers need to give a bottle, I hope to help them give a bottle of expressed breast milk instead of formula. The most important thing to know about being able to breast and bottle feed, which many women need/want to do, is that it can be done. However, it can’t be done in the hospital, right from the get go. If you want to nurse, you have to spend the time getting breastfeeding off to a good start. This process usually takes about 3 to 4 weeks of exclusive nursing. If you do that, and nurse exclusively through the three week growth spurt, your milk supply will be well established. In addition, your baby will have learned how to nurse correctly and giving a bottle at this time will not “undo” that!

Early bottle introduction causes a host of problems for the breastfeeding family. First, these babies are usually given formula and too much of it. Babies who are nursing get only a small amount of colostrum (mother’s early milk) at each feeding, which is exactly what they need. Bottle fed babies tend to get 2-3 ounces of formula, which is much harder to digest. It prevents the meconium (baby’s first waste) from being passed quickly, suppresses their appetite and keeps them from feeding frequently, which they need to do to bring their mother’s milk in. In addition, hospital bottles have a standard size nipple, which is much smaller than a mother’s breast. Babies learn immediately to position their mouth incorrectly for breastfeeding when they are given this bottle. When they replicate that on their mom, it hurts!

So, the first few weeks should be about getting a good latch and getting your supply established. If you want to give expressed breast milk in a bottle when the time comes, you can also use this time to collect some milk to give later. There may be several opportunities for this in the early weeks. If you get engorged, you can pump just enough to make yourself comfortable, which may mean only pumping a half ounce! You may also have times when the baby takes only one side, falls into a milk coma and doesn’t take the other. In that case, pump the side he doesn’t take and save that milk. You can mix the milk from several different pumping sessions to make one bottle. When you collect a total of 3 ounces, stick it in the freezer, and you have milk for your first bottle!

Develop a plan for the first time you give your baby a bottle and have someone other than you do it. I like moms to leave the house and do something for themselves. Arrange for dinner with a friend, a haircut, or shopping to get some clothes that you fit into! The reason for this is that first of all, you probably need a little alone time after three weeks of exclusive nursing. In addition, if the baby sees, hears, or smells you, the baby may protest and wonder why you are not feeding him/her. And if the baby protests at all, the person with the bottle may quickly give up and pass the baby back to you!

It is best to time it so that you leave the house right before your baby is due to eat, and pump just before heading out the door. This gives you a few hours to do what you want, and you can nurse right when you get back. This pumped milk can be used immediately, if necessary, or goes into the freezer for the next time your baby gets a bottle. When your baby gets a bottle, it should be a bottle with a wide base and nipple, not a standard size. Thaw your frozen milk, pour it in, and have it at room temperature or a little warmer for the baby.

When done this way, bottle introduction is usually pretty uneventful. Be prepared for a mix of emotions when you come home and find out everything went fine, which is after all, what you want! Then make sure that the bottle is offered every few days, especially if you will be going back to work. If you do that, though your baby will always prefer you, he will take a bottle without difficulty when he needs to!

SIBLING RIVALRY

Written in 2010

My three younger sisters are the only thing getting me through this phase of my life. My relationships with them help me to hold out hope that one day my children will not only be civil and kind to each other, but they may actually want to spend time together. I vaguely remember tension between my closest sister and me, as she was only 11 months younger than I was. I recall viscous fights and terrible things said to each other. But with the two younger ones, I only remember fun. Now, as we all raise our children together, there really are no other women I would rather be with. Will my kids ever feel that way? If you spent an hour in my house, you wouldn’t think so.

I am the mother of four boys. The youngest is 7 and adorable. His older brothers love him. He has not yet become annoying. The three other ones are 12, 15 and 18, so there is a lot of testosterone in my house. And with that comes trash talk, bullying, and the occasional “accidental” bat to the teeth. I wish I was kidding about that one. 

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Coming from a family of girls, I am unaccustomed to the sheer physical nature of their interactions. My two oldest boys now have the bodies of men and tower over me. It seems that no one walks by the other without a nudge, flick or swat to the head. All when I have my back turned, of course. The verbal insults I can at least hear, but often wish I didn’t. I find it heartbreaking the way they speak to each other. Then I have to endure all the different versions of how things went down, who started it and how they should be punished. Invariably, someone is upset that I haven’t taken their side and I feel like I am the one beaten down in the end.

I hear from other men with brothers that this is normal behavior; that what I am experiencing is relatively tame and butting out is the best option. But don’t we have a responsibility as mothers to point out bad behavior? And to protect them from each other? Someone could get really hurt, right?

My mother-in-law stayed with us for a week once and she gave me advice that helped eliminate some volatile exchanges. She suggested that I not put the particularly combative ones together while doing chores, babysitting, on car rides etc. It really worked! My problem is that I frequently forget that advice. In my hurry to get things done, I bark out orders and put them in situations that foster the bad behavior. But I find that now that they are bigger and stronger, I really need to pay attention to what I am asking of them and determine whether they can handle it with everything else that is going on in their life. If they are having a good day and are relatively happy, they might find it fun to be with their brothers and endure a little good-natured ribbing. If not, look out. Someone else is going to bear the brunt of their difficult day.

I’ve tried to put some thought into what each child seeks from another. The older ones really want respect. They want the younger ones to take what they say to heart, to do what they ask the first time, to have their privacy, and their possessions left alone. The younger ones just want to be with the older ones and to be an important part of their lives. None of them need additional parents. I keep saying things like “Just be the cool big brother” or “Be what you want him to become.” Let the parents actually engage in the parental behavior.

Sometimes, I feel their bad behavior is an attempt to get some attention from me. I might be flattering myself, but I do know that if I make the effort to spend time alone with each one, things tend to be better at home. So when I can, I take a boy with me. Whether it is to the grocery store, bank or post office, you can learn a lot when alone for a half hour with a boy. In addition, almost

every day each of them wants/needs something from me- a permission slip signed, form filled out, a button sewn back on their pants. Silly little stuff, but important to them. And when I take care of it, they are more inclined to take care of each other. Sometimes I really have to stop myself and pay attention to what is important to them. I think that is important advice for mothers of children of any age. When we look them in the eye and take their requests to heart, it validates them and lets them know we think they are important.

So in a nutshell, here is what I have found works:

Don’t take sides. If you didn’t see it, you cannot make a judgment about it. Listening to all sides of the story makes you pick sides and someone will be unhappy. My husband came up with a grand plan of punishing all involved equally, regardless of who started it or did what. This has made them think long and hard before coming to us, and they tend to resolve things amicably themselves.

Physical and verbal abuse/ bullying is never acceptable. There is no excuse for it regardless of the behavior that provoked it. When you see or hear it, stop it immediately and remove the offender from the situation. Take away a privilege if the behavior continues.

Don’t put kids who are combative in a situation where they are forced to work together without adult supervision. I have learned who works well together and when I need to, I am involved in supervising the activity. My presence usually keeps the situation under control, without them realizing that is my intention. Sometimes they even have fun together!

Give each child some one-on-one time with a parent as often as you can, especially if they seem to be having a hard time within the family. Reinforcing your unconditional love and letting them know they have you to protect them does wonders for their self esteem and gives them the strength to stand up for themselves.

For the younger kids, teach and model empathy every chance you get. This has been reported to be a critical developmental milestone. If they are able to put themselves in another’s shoes and understand how they feel, it goes a long way in keeping them from treating others badly. And it can be the basis for everything ~sharing, taking turns, manners and respect.

And maybe someday, they will look back on this time fondly, while hanging out with their siblings and their own children. At least we can hope for that, right? I know I do, every day. 

Onto the Next Phase - Preparing for Change as My Youngest Starts Kindergarten

A throwback from 2007 that many of you can relate to as your children start a new school year.

I am a woman on the verge of freedom. After sixteen years at home, the youngest of my four sons is off to a full day of Kindergarten in the fall. I am at the same time, elated and depressed. I alternate between euphoria at the possibilities that are opening up for me, and hysterical tears as I experience each last milestone with my baby. Preschool is over. We sat together for the last time at First Friday Mass, waving at his big brothers. Next time I go, he will be sitting with his classmates. He is done with Eager Beavers at the YMCA. I no longer have a child to take to the playgroup I have been attending weekly for 8 years. Even as we go shopping at the grocery store, I am reminded that come fall, I can do this by myself. Think of the money I will save! And how quickly I will get it done! Then the tears start, as I realize my constant companion will be otherwise occupied come September.

I should be happy, right? Everywhere I go, I see mothers with young children. I remember how tiring it is to carry a car seat, reason with a 2 year old, nurse a baby for the third time in 2 hours, race home before naptime, and beg a six year old to run and get me a diaper, again. I vividly remember the energy it took to take care of all of them and their needs, while mine forever took a back seat. I see the fatigue in my friends’ faces whose schedules still revolve around their little ones. I hear it in my clients’ voices when I try to reassure them that this particular phase won’t last forever. I am frequently reminded of a quote from one of my favorite authors, Kathleen Huggins. “If you find it hard, it’s because it is hard.” And it was.

But it has also been one of the best things I have ever done. And if I had more money and energy, and was a little bit younger, I would do it all over again. I’d love the chance to get another marriage proposal from a 3 year old or have a 5 year old tell me, “Mom, you’re my whole world.” I want to have a newborn stop crying immediately when I pick him up and feel a little hand grab a hold of mine while walking through a crowd. I’d even love to rock my sick toddler in my arms in the middle of the night. These are the memories that I cherish, and long for.

And yet, this phase of my life is almost over. And in so many ways, the new phase is terrific. I have built-in babysitters and can go out to dinner with my husband, or for a run in the morning before anyone wakes up. We actually get where we are going mostly on time now and my youngest prides himself on helping me. My 9 year old will still talk to me when no one else in the family wants to. I love nothing more than sitting on the couch with my two teenagers, rehashing the day, and laughing till I cry when I hear of their escapades. I am amazed at the men they are all becoming, and excited for their futures.

So, what is a woman to do in this situation? I have agonized about it, and finally decided. I am getting a puppy. It’s a boy and he’s coming home Labor Day Weekend. But don’t tell my kids! It’s a surprise, and we are on to our next phase.